The Do’s and Don’ts of Setting Boundaries With Your Kids

Mar 25

You don’t need to control your kids—you need to give them structure and support.

If you’re constantly repeating yourself, raising your voice, or feeling frustrated, you’re not alone. Here’s what not to do—and what actually works:

Don’t:

🚫 Repeat Yourself

Repeating rules teaches your child to delay listening, as they start expecting multiple warnings. It also signals that you’re not serious, adding stress for both of you.

🚫 Overexplain

Kids act out of emotion, not logic, especially when crossing boundaries. In these moments, they’re not using their “upstairs brain” (the rational part). As The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel explains, children often operate from their emotional, impulsive “downstairs brain.” They don’t need a lecture—just connection and structure.

🚫 Punish or Yell

Louder voices don’t help kids understand; they make them feel unsafe and disconnected, leading to more resistance. Instead of punishment, focus on positive discipline, building a strong relationship, and setting clear expectations. Remember: connect, then redirect—not the other way around.

Do:

✅ Set Clear Boundaries

Be direct about what you want to see, not what you don’t. For example: “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hit your sister. Let’s take a break until you’re ready to play.” Keep it calm, specific, and realistic.

✅ Follow Through Immediately

Use calm consequences to help kids understand that actions have outcomes. For instance, “If you keep drawing on the wall, we’ll end playtime.” Follow through calmly if needed—no yelling or threats. Praise the positive behavior to reinforce good choices.

✅ Offer Physical Support

Transitions, like getting dressed or leaving the park, can be hard. Be present and assist when needed. Don’t wait for “perfect behavior”—guide them through transitions and redirect them gently, such as when they try to climb on the couch. Stay engaged and proactive.

Remember: Adults can self-regulate. Kids can’t—yet. Our role is to guide them through “stuck” moments with consistency, compassion, and clarity.

Boundaries are about leadership, not harshness or permissiveness. To lead effectively, you must be a calm, confident presence your child can trust.

Note: Raising your voice can be important in urgent situations, like when there’s danger. But using it sparingly makes it more effective—when you do raise your voice, your child will be more likely to stop and listen.

Jacob Frazier

Jacob Frazier, LMHC, MA, NCC, is a mental health counselor with Archangel Catholic.

Jacob holds a master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Gonzaga University. As a mental health counselor, Jacob has a passion for facilitating personal and interpersonal development, vocational/career discernment, and helping people apply their strengths and Catholic faith to the challenges of daily living.

Jacob has extensive clinical history of assessing and working with clients experiencing emotional dysregulation, depression, anxiety, struggling with relationships and commitment, facing addictions, and struggling with trauma.

Jacob is trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which he used on a treatment team that served individuals with moderate to severe diagnoses. Jacob is also trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) centered on posttraumatic stress related to abuse, neglect, and other traumatic life experiences. He also has an interest in helping men foster a healthy understanding of masculinity and assist in cultivating virtue.