“I’m right and you’re wrong.” Getting stuck in marital disagreements.

Gridlocked conflicts

Couples can have disagreements about all sorts of things. Sally does not like to see Bill leave an old coffee mug on his desk because it smells, and she wants it washed. Tom wishes he could be on time to events, while Jess rushes to put things together in the house before they leave. After having kids, Sean feels he does not get time with his wife, Jenn, anymore, and Jenn feels he is not helping around the house enough. These disagreements are one thing if they are mild irritants talked through and compromised over. They are another if it feels like your spouse does not care about you after you have argued over the same polarizing topic until you want to give up. Couples with these gridlocked conflicts may feel emotional distancing and disengagement, and even when they try to sweep the problem under the rug, they find they keep tripping on it.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading couples therapy researcher, defines two general categories of marital conflict: resolvable conflicts and perpetual conflicts. For both types, accepting influence predicts happier marriages, so I will discuss that first and then move into strategies to use for each of the two categories of conflict.

Accepting Influence

Accepting influence looks like a husband or wife having the humility to say “good point” to some feedback, sharing power and decision-making, and searching for common ground. One may counter with Ephesians 5:22–24, which reads, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.” It is true that the husband has a responsibility to lead, protect, provide, and sacrifice, and as Pope Leo XIII writes in his encyclical Arcanum, “The woman… must be subject to her husband and obey him; not, indeed, as a servant, but as a companion, so that her obedience shall be wanting in neither honor nor dignity. Since the husband represents Christ, and since the wife represents the Church, let there always be, both in him who commands and in her who obeys, a heaven-born love guiding both in their respective duties” (Leo XIII, 1880). Accepting influence shows love, esteem, and respect — a wise leader is different from a tyrant.

Resolvable Conflicts

Resolvable conflicts can be made easier for couples if they focus on a few factors. One aspect is repairs: ways to communicate when a conversation feels as if it is getting out of hand, and to bring it back on track. A repair example would be a husband sharing with his wife, “I’m feeling criticized; can you rephrase that?” when discussing a financial conflict, or a wife sharing, “Please let’s stop for a while — I’m feeling flooded. Can we come back to talk about this in a few hours?”

Dr. Fitzgibbons, in his book Habits for a Healthy Marriage: A Handbook for Catholic Couples, also mentions three aspects of prudent communication that can help a couple discuss challenging topics:

1. He quotes a homily of Saint John Chrysostom on advice to husbands: “Whenever you give your wife advice, always begin by telling her how much you love her. Nothing will persuade her so well to admit the wisdom of your words as her assurance that you are speaking to her with sincere affection. Tell her… that you love her more than gold.” The same is true for wives. In other words, sandwiching constructive feedback in appreciation and love for your spouse can help make the feedback more palatable.

2. Referencing research from Dr. John Gottman, a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in a relationship can help a couple stay in what is known as Positive Sentiment Override (PSO). In PSO, even if a hostile, irritating, or harmful remark is made, it can be shrugged off or dealt with more easily. When the relationship has too few positive interactions, couples can fall into Negative Sentiment Override, where even something positive can be viewed in a neutral or negative light. Building positive interactions could be anything from being there for your partner emotionally, to offering words of encouragement or admiration, to making them laugh or giving them a kiss.

3. Setting aside time to talk and connect daily. Routinely connecting intentionally around needs, desires, problems, and friendship-building can help a couple address issues as they come up and prevent small issues from becoming bigger than they need to be. Fitzgibbons also recommends taking time once a week to relax and converse alone outside the home, away from immediate responsibilities and pressures.

Finally, Dr. Fitzgibbons suggests that praying together to the Holy Spirit for his sevenfold gifts — wisdom, understanding, knowledge, fortitude, counsel, piety, and fear of the Lord — is a good way to begin a weighty conversation.

Perpetual Conflicts

While the skills discussed in the resolvable-conflicts and accepting-influence sections of this article are still helpful, Gottman breaks down the steps for discussing a perpetual problem in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work as follows: (1) identify the problem(s); (2) discover the dreams behind the problem — why it is so important for a spouse to hold a particular position; (3) take a breather if the discussion is getting overwhelming, and use repairs to get the conversation back on track as needed; and (4) discuss a temporary compromise.

Now What?

Discussing communication strategies is one thing; applying them is another — especially in a heated moment, when clear thinking is already hard. Working with a couples therapist can help you apply well-researched communication principles to reduce conflict in your marriage and increase understanding between partners. In perpetual marital conflicts, complex factors often contribute to the continuation of the cycle. Having a professional guide you and your spouse through this process may help reduce the strain of navigating that terrain. With a skills-based approach, the tools you learn can be used long after therapy is over. Consider reaching out for a consultation today.